life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
