Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
