Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
