Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
