The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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