I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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