I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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