I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
