My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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