Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
