Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
