You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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