And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
