i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
