did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
