If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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