Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he just fucked me for my cheese.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
