So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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