so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
