There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
