I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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