you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
