Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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