I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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