I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
