he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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