new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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