I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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