Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
