Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
