i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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