how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
