There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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