Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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