He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
