sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
