I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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