It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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