he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
