I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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