my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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