you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
