I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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