I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
