i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
