my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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