just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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