You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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