no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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