i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
