K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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