I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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