Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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